Lessons from my mom on how to give

Merilee Bergman (1942–2015)

(Written on the day of my mom’s death, one year ago today.)

So much of my mom’s legacy is she taught me how to give.

She gave everything away.

When I packed her things today, all that really remained is a ring, watch and a well-worn bible. In her younger years she was a nurse. As she aged, she traveled and donated her time and money to the poor.

Giving is a sacrifice, but done joyfully. I wasn’t enjoying it at all taking her to emergency rooms, surgeries and cancer treatments.

Now, I miss those times. She had so many things going wrong, that’s when we spent our quality time together.

Alzheimer’s struck early, chewing away her short-term memory. At first, I was frustrated at her. Why wasn’t she trying harder to remember? Then as she faded closer to black, I tried everything to fight it.

As I learned, unlike cancer — which she beat twice — you can’t fight Alzheimer’s disease. It’s an accelerating decline that eats you alive. Alzheimer’s is the only disease among the top 10 causes of death in America that cannot be prevented, cured or even slowed.

There were only two things she remembered until the end: how to breath and the sound of my voice.

I’ll never know for sure, but I think I’m the only thing she remembered.

She taught me how to give.

We live in selfish, distracted times. It’s not that we’re jerks; we’re just busy. Busy working. Busy with the kids. Busy checking our devices. We’re programmed to capitalize on each moment and fill every gap.

I don’t know how much time I wasted with her checking my phone.

Giving isn’t just cutting a $100 check to a favorite charity. It’s sacrificing our most valuable resource: our time, sometimes in the most difficult of circumstances.

I’ve met some incredible people over the last few months: hardworking caregivers with incredible patience, loving smiles and the touch of angels. They barely knew my mom, but they were there for her. They’re not on Twitter. BuzzFeed doesn’t write about them. But collectively they’re changing the world more than any startup on the planet.

We can all begin to give in small intervals. Instead of angling in front of an old couple on the elevator, smile and step aside. Instead of edging out that car in the Starbucks drive-thru, let them go with a friendly wave. Instead of nervously checking our phones, give your friends and family your full attention.

I’m still learning, too.

It grows from there. Visit that person you know you need to see. Look for opportunities to volunteer, not just because your friends are doing it — or you get credit — but because it’s the right thing to do. Invest your time finding the most effective ways to give your money to help people who really need it. And spend more quality time with your family.

Giving isn’t designed to be convenient or cool. It shouldn’t make a great Tweet, Facebook post or Instagram photo. In the end — which comes faster than we think — those things don’t really matter. What matters is how we’ve given, selflessly and joyfully.

(Please consider giving to the fight against Alzheimer’s.My recommendation.)